The other night at work this really cute girl was looking at workout dvds. I noticed her as I was walking by and in a very uncharacteristic DB move, I said something to her without months of planning and flow charts and focus groups and shit. I said, "Ooh...I wouldn't buy that one. That's the one I've been using." You see, that's funny because I weigh roughly eleven hundred pounds. She half-assed smiled, said thanks and turned back to look at Billy Blanks bullshit or whatever. I was a little surprised. I mean, that shit was gold! Maybe just in my head, but gold nonetheless. I probably should have said something after that, but to be honest I had no follow up. That was my pick up line hail mary, so to speak. And it was quickly batted down. So I turned around and did my walk of shame (which, turns out, has become my normal, everyday walk) back to the back room.
I get off work at 1 a.m. and usually stay up until around 7 or 8. During this time, I watch a lot of early morning tv/news, and I've discovered something. Channel 13 in Houston is doing it all wrong. The channel 11 traffic woman is Katherine Whaley, who is just great. Channel 2 has Jennifer Reyna doing traffic, and if you've ever been around me while I'm drunk (or sober really), I'm sure I've told you how hot I think Jennifer Reyna is. I mean, I watch channel 2 traffic in the morning like I have somewhere to go, and I totally don't...ever! That's how much I love Jennifer Reyna. I even consider driving to parts to Houston just because she tells me that the "drive in should be a great one." So who does Channel 13 throw out there to possibly draw viewers away from these two lovely ladies? Don F'ing Nelson. That's who. It just doesn't work. It's like watching a fatter Andy Griffith tell you about the potential hazards of your daily commute. Nobody wants to see that at 5 a.m.
Tonight at work I was walking by the toy section and noticed this baby doll on the endcap. Earlier in the night a coworker commented that it looked like me and could be my baby. So I stopped and looked at it, but didn't really see a resemblance aside from the fat head, pudgy cheeks and small amount of hair. Then I started thinking, "I wonder what they make these things out of," and I reached out and grabbed the little fella's hand. I probably stood there squishing and holding its little plastic hand for about 30-40 seconds, and then it hit me. I must have looked like the biggest pedophilic creepo in the world. What was actually me looking inquisitively and wondering, "Hmm, is this some sort of soft plastic?" probably looked more like a perv who was considering sticking his penis in this tiny plastic representation of a human baby. I was a little unnerved. So anyway, I bought it. Can you believe those things are 30 bucks? Haha...I'm kidding. (I used my discount card. It was only like $27 and some change.)
I bought Max Brooks' "World War Z" and "The Zombie Survival Guide," and they are great. I've gotta tell ya, zombies sound like they wouldn't be all that bad. I don't want the fast moving, "Zombieland" zombies, though. I want the slow, shuffling ones. One part of "World War Z" talks about a blind guy who basically kills hundreds of these slow zombies with a shovel. This sounds like something I could do. An added bonus to zombies would be that they would probably kill some of the assholes that I hate. Then they would reanimate as zombies and I (or possibly a blind Japanese guy) could hit them with shovels...consequence free! Don't read too much into me wanting to kill people. I just want to kill zombies. Plus, Woody Harrelson made it look cool. Not so much Jesse Eisenberg, though. I hate that guy. Any part he plays, Michael Cera could play better and with a thousand times more comedy.
I haven't been writing much lately because I'm my own worst critic. Also, with all my free time during hours when nobody else is awake, I've done a lot of thinking and I keep thinking about two particular errors I made when I worked at the paper and they still make me cringe. Thinking about them makes me not want to see words or make them with my keyboard. I'm getting over it, though. Slowly. Another reason is that I don't think I'm as funny as I used to be. I guess that goes back to being my own worst critic. I mean, some people liked "Office Space" and that movie was terrible (Jennifer Aniston = movie poison), so hopefully people will like my writing again.
And thanks to everybody who continued reading past the "sex with a plastic baby" paragraph.